Deaf and Dating

Dating is an adventure for everyone. It was especially hard for me because of communication barriers. I mentioned that I grew up in mainstreamed school. My only options for dating were the hearing guys. How do I approach them? How do I let them know that I have a crush on them? Will they learn American Sign Language (ASL) for me? It was challenging to develop friendships so dating was even harder.

I was lucky to have a cute “first boyfriend” story. In 3rd grade, I became best friends with a male hearing classmate. I don’t remember how we communicated back then during classes. I think it might’ve been all writing. Our school had an annual event where we write notes to anyone in the school. During that annual event in 4th grade, he wrote me a note. The note said “Dear Kelly E., do you love me or not. If you do just give me your phone number and address. Your secret admirer. The boy now sits across from you. The first letter in his name is R.” Stinking adorable, right? It was an innocent elementary school crush but I was impressed how he made the effort and didn’t see me as a deaf person if he asked for a phone number! I ended up giving him what he asked for and we would play together after school. For my birthday, he gave me a Spice Girls (I was obsessed with them!) watch. Unfortunately when I moved to a new school, I lost touch with him. Looking back at this, even through it was innocent elementary school crush, I was impressed how my deafness didn’t stop him from having a crush on me.

In middle school, relationships were forming everywhere around me. I had many crushes. It was difficult for me to have a boyfriend. Many boys were shy or nervous about my deafness. They were old enough to know that it would be a challenge. I didn’t have any boyfriends in middle school, but I did have a long time crush on one particular boy that I played with on the co-ed soccer team. We flirted, we passed notes, and we hung out at lunch during school. He never learned ASL. I had a feeling that he had a crush on me but didn’t know how to have a relationship with a deaf person. This went on for a good 2 years. In the last year of middle school I met a boy that attended another school across town. I met him through my cousin, they had played baseball together. This was the second guy to directly tell me that he had a crush on me. Our relationship was entirely online through AOL instant messenger, we saw each other a few times in person. It was difficult to continue because we lived on different sides of the town. It only lasted 6 months but it was a great feeling to finally be liked back. I really crushed on him because he saw past my deafness. It was rare to find guys to do that. We did get back together for a short fling in high school but it ended because of communication barriers. Despite him seeing past my deafness, he didn’t learn ASL. It was so easy to talk with him online but in person was another story.

High school was very similar to middle school. It was difficult to get past any communication barriers when it came to dating. Any bonds I had with guys were friendships. I attended a summer camp at RIT/NTID the year before my senior year of high school. The summer camp was a 6-days exploration program for college-bound seniors. Everyone who attended the program was deaf or hard of hearing. I met a guy during the camp that turned into a long distance relationship for a year. This was my first deaf boyfriend. It was an interesting experience to not have the communication issues. He understood the deaf struggles so it was easy to connect on that. The only challenge with our relationship was that he lived outside of Chicago, Illinois. It made me different from my friends who had their boyfriends/girlfriends local. It was tough to be long distance but I was glad to have a boyfriend when all of my friends had boyfriends/girlfriends. He came to visit me over Christmas break then I went to his prom in spring time. I flew at 17 years old to Chicago on my own! That was quite the experience. I did had an incident when I missed my layover in Detroit, Michigan because I couldn’t find someone to communicate with to help me find the gate. I passed a note to multiple agents with no luck. I eventually made it to Chicago 3 hours late than my original arrival time. I was terrified to travel alone but I did it! We both were RIT/NTID bound in the fall, but broke up during summer because we wanted to explore college independently.

I thought dating wouldn’t be so difficult during college with wide options of both hearing and deaf guys. At least the hearing guys at RIT would be aware of the deaf community and potentially know some ASL. Nope! I faced the same difficulty. I dated several hearing guys. We would go out to dinners, attend hockey games, movie nights, etc. The one thing they had in common was that none of them was willing to learn ASL. How did it worked then? It was all writing, texting on our phones or gesturing. After a while they would understand my “deaf accent”. I decided during my second year that I won’t date any more hearing guys who weren’t willing to learn ASL. It was too much work for me!

I’ve had relationships that were communicated entirely on the computer or phone (texting). I was surprised how the guys were OK with that. I didn’t enjoy that we were completely silent when we were hanging out in person. It was awkward! I dated a hearing guy once during college that took me to a hearing dominant party. I sat there for a while not interacting until a hearing guy who knew sign language approached me. He flirted so bad with me which made my boyfriend jealous! However, when I was with him and his friends, it was impossible to lip read several people at same time. He didn’t know ASL so how could he help to interpret for me? That relationship was very short lived because of that.

It didn’t help my self esteem when I didn’t have guys willing to learn sign language to talk with me. I felt not good enough or liked enough. If they liked me so much, why wouldn’t they learn? Many of you probably are wondering by now, why not just date deaf guys? I dated very few deaf guys during college. None of them ever got serious. The problem is that the deaf community was so small, deaf guys were slim pickings. You may be surprised too, but it was difficult to find deaf guys that came from mainstreamed lifestyle. I preferred those guys in particular because it was difficult to connect with deaf guys who came from a strong deaf background. Some of them had too much pride to even date someone like me who wasn’t “deaf enough”. I dated a hearing guy with deaf connections, so he was fluent in ASL. It was really easy to communicate with him. I felt that I was able to get to know him a lot more than other hearing guys I dated.

I noticed it was pretty common among my deaf mainstreamed friends to date hearing people. I don’t know if it was because we came from mainstreamed lifestyles, hearing people were our norm. Deaf and hearing relationships however had a very high rate of breakups/divorces due to communication issues. It’s a lot of pressure already in the beginning of any relationship to have communication to work. I knew that I needed a guy who was willing to put in the effort. If he’s not willing to put in the effort to communicate with me, how would that relationship be successful? I broke up with a hearing guy that I was dating and his response was “Well, it probably was for the best. It wouldn’t have worked with us with the communication issues anyways”. I was baffled at the response. He never once learned sign language. He missed out on knowing me because he didn’t take the time to put in the effort. Seeing this happening so frequently with me and many other deaf people, I only feel sorry for hearing people who were too scared to try. They possibly missed out on a great person in their life. I was mad that I struggled with self esteem over this but I knew my worth. I learned to feel sorry for any guys who missed the opportunity to know me because they let my deafness get in the way!

In my 3rd year of college, I had a traumatizing dating experience. I was talking with a hearing guy that grew up in the same hometown and attended same high school. He attended a college 40 minutes away from RIT. We agreed to meet one weekend so I went up there with a girlfriend of mine. We hung out with him and his roommates. He didn’t know ASL. This became an incident when communication issues put me in a danger situation. He locked me in his room alone and I was very uncomfortable after realizing what he wanted. I started to freak out and frantically gestured to him that I wasn’t ready for this. It took a while before he understood. I was fortunate that nothing happened but I was shaken to the core. I was wondering is he going to hurt me? I left immediately and drove back to RIT feeling stupid. I blamed myself. I blamed my deafness. It was communication issues that got me into this incident. He reached out to me after to apologize and told me that he signed up for ASL classes. It was too late for him. I didn’t appreciate the position that he had put me in so I ended all communications with him.

It wasn’t fun for me to date but it did teach me a lot. I learned about what I wanted out of a relationship and focused on the important qualities that I wanted from that right person. I faced many rejections based on my deafness so I knew communication was first priority whenever I met someone. At times, it actually felt like I had to settle for less but I’m so glad I didn’t! Stay tuned for Part II.

All opinion in this blog are my own. It does not reflect the opinions of other deaf members.